There and Back Again

Time has flown.  I've been away again...and again making another baby!  16 weeks along with Rainbow Baby #2 aka Cao Baby #3.  Our first rainbow, my Emma Lucille, is 9 months old.  She fills my life with love and sunlight like only she can.  I get lost in her big brown eyes and could listen to her little snore-filled sleep breathing forever.  She's a wild one, not afraid to make it known what she wants and not taking crap from anyone.  Already a little firecracker and she can't even walk or talk yet.  I could go on and on about how this little person has changed my life forever, has made me feel things I never thought I'd feel again.  Feelings I thought were lost the day we lost Owen.  Such happiness I thought was never to be mine, I really thought I'd never be this happy, this content again.  Yet here I am.  Up to my elbows in dirty diapers and baby laundry, but drowning in love and laughter and her hugs at the same time.

It's hard to say if I'd have it any other way.  I've thought about this many times.  If I could go back in time and save Owen (was he meant to be saved?) would I?  Before Emma was Emma, before I was pregnant, my immediate answer would have been YES!  Are you mental?  Of course I'd go back and alter this heartache, this grief-stricken journey I've been on.  Now, it's hard to say, honestly.  If I did, would Emma be here?  Would Emma be the Emma we know and love?  Would Owen have lived?  Would I have saved him only for him to pass away from something that couldn't have been prevented?  Yet more questions with no answers.  Just thoughts, sometimes crazy, sometimes dark, but they're mine.

It's a bittersweet thing, this rainbow baby business.  Emma has no idea what an impact she has had on me in her short life, and how she'll continue to teach me things forever.  Owen made me a mom, of that I'm certain.  Emma, though, Emma is giving me a crash course in parenthood.  As I've watched her grow, I cannot help but think about my son and wonder what his personality would be like.  Who would he become?  From the few pictures we have of him, my husband and I are certain Owen would have looked like him.  Emma, on the otherhand, looks like me.  She's strong-willed, stubborn, high maintenance - just your average girl.  What would he have been like?  The complete opposite?  The same?  Who knows.  I daydream about him being here, being her big brother in real life-right now, instead of, to her, being just pictures and urn on the shelf we show her and say, "Brother.  This is your brother, Owen."

I'm back to worrying again.  I go to every appointment for this baby in my belly expecting to hear that it too has passed away.  It's a sad, dark thing - to think about your baby dying.  Now, I can't help it.  I never imagined (who does?) that the way I would bring my son home would be in an urn.  But now?  I mentally go through the events in my head.  What I would do when and if they tell me this baby didn't make it.  Who would I call?  What would we do?  I imagine calling my husband, and then my parents, and then my siblings...I can hear their tears, their sighs.  I quickly push these horrible thoughts away and try to think positively.  I imagine this baby and Emma playing together, boy or girl (we don't know yet).  It'll get easier/harder as we get closer to the fall arrival of our newest addition, but I'm ready.  More prepared (though it's never enough, is it?) thanks to both Emma and Owen, for whatever comes our way.  

Until next time, keep looking up.

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