The Rainbow

I've been away.  Off living life, working...oh yeah, and making a baby!  Here I am - 15 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby.  No nickname for this one yet, we’ve just been calling him/her “baby” and “little one”.  My husband will sometimes just point and say “this one” when we’re talking about the baby.  I wonder why we don’t have a nickname yet.  With Owen it was so easy.  He was Peanut.  From the start, boy or girl, that baby was Peanut.  Perhaps it’s a safety mechanism.  Protecting ourselves from getting too comfortable.  How horrible does that sound?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m already in love with this little baby.  I just find it hard to daydream about the future like I did with Owen.  It was as if he was already a part of our lives even before he was here.  For some reason, though, I cannot see this little one for more than what it is…a little baby the size of an apple, or navel orange depending on which pregnancy site you follow.

Had these made by Tootoolicious on Etsy to surprise Mike.

I find myself saying “if”.  IF this baby comes home, IF everything goes well.  Before losing Owen I would have never said such things.  What normal person would?  When I was pregnant with Owen, it was always “when” he gets here, but that “when” never came.  Now, with this little one, I find myself more cautious because I am fully aware of just what can happen.  Instead of talking to this baby as I did with Owen, I say things like, “stay with me, little one.”  It has become my mantra.  Any twinge of pain, even ones that are completely normal like my muscles loosening or my uterus growing…”Stay with me, little one.”

I finally gathered the courage to start filling out the pregnancy journal I bought for this little rainbow.  I had been putting it off, telling myself that IF everything is ok at my next appointment I will start to write in it.  IF I make it to 3 months, I’ll start taking belly photos.  Being that we lost Owen so late in the pregnancy, I don’t know that I have a reason to worry so early on, but it’s that same reason that makes me worry.  Pregnancy seems to have lost the sparkle it once held for me, but I am determined to get it back.  Yes, there is much I can worry and be anxious about, but who would that help?  Not me and certainly not this little rainbow.  This baby deserves all the good I can bring to the table and that's just what he/she is going to get.  We still have decisions to make:  when will we decorate the nursery?  What will we use and what will we buy new?  Some things I know, like I don't want to have a baby shower.  I'd rather have a party after this baby is safely in my arms.

It helps to have such supportive friends and family.  People checking in to see how this little one is doing keeps me positive.  People saying they thought about Owen or that something reminded them of him also makes me smile.  They know that I have two children.  Though neither are completely present, they’re on their minds and that’s what counts.  They help keep me positive, and I need all of that I can get.  So far, so good.

Update again soon...maybe with a name????