The Next One

13 squares

My husband and I have begun talking more about the next baby we will have, the way we did when I was pregnant with Peanut. We talk about how we will raise them and the things we'll do as a family. We talk about names, nursery decor, and the things we'll still need to buy before their arrival. It's sad that Peanut is not included, and I find myself feeling almost guilty.

I want to be blissfully happy with my subsequent pregnancy the way I was with Peanut. I want to think about only the good, focus only on the positive. It was so easy with Peanut. Now, I fear, feeling happy and positive will be more of a chore. It'll be easy to focus on what can go wrong, for I've lived that, I don't know how to feel good about it anymore. I'll have to remind myself to be happy and not focus on what has happened, but try to envision what will happen...or at least what I pray will happen.

I know things will be different once I am pregnant again. I know there are things I will do differently and things I will do the same as I did with Peanut. I will love this baby the same, I will talk to him or her everyday. I will sing to them, read to them, and my husband will kiss them goodbye every morning - all the same as with Peanut. I feel, however, I will leave some things undone.

I will not have a baby shower, I'd rather have a party when we bring the next baby home to visit our families. As a good friend put it, "you'd rather celebrate the arrival than the promise of a baby." Which, when I think about it, is exactly what I did at Peanut's baby shower. We celebrated his anticipated arrival, even though it was never promised, never certain. I will also make more pregnancy memories. With Peanut, I was so focused on capturing memories of his arrival and afterward that I missed out on precious moments during my pregnancy - which, is all the memories I have now.

I'm unsure as to whether I will set up the nursery before the baby arrives. We don't really have to register for anything, we have everything we need. Hand-me-downs that were never used, but handed down with love nonetheless. I know what I will do is choose different nursery decor. I still have Peanut's, but feel that the monkey theme was his and his brother or sister should get something different. This is probably more for me than for them. They won't remember what their nursery decor was, but to me, monkeys were Peanut's thing. It wouldn't feel right to reuse that.

All these things I'm thinking about and I'm not even pregnant yet.  It's comforting, though, to think about the future.  It gives me hope, a hope I so desperately need to cling to.